By: DeoVonte “Deo” Means

…Relationships these days aren’t real until they become a social media spectacle. When partners become trophies to be paraded around for “likes” in matching outfits to be envied by “friends” that would fuck your man in a millisecond…

On Monday, Chicago woke up to the devastating news that two well-known figures in our community were involved in a domestic dispute that left one young man dead and the other laid in a jail cell on charges of first degree murder. Although friends of the two gentlemen were at times infuriated in the manner in which the news spread like wildfire, I immediately related to the shock value that the community experienced. These situations are always sad. But it’s one thing to read about them, knowing they took place in other geographic locations. But it becomes a completely different story when you realize it not only happened in your own backyard, but the individuals involved were people you either knew in passing, knew personally or perhaps seen in person just days/weeks ago. As the story gained traction, I began to receive inboxes and telephone calls from random people who had firsthand knowledge of the tumultuous relationship as well as a few third party eye witness accounts of past situations. I concluded that I would whisper a prayer, say my RIP’s and wipe my hands of the situation because the story was far too complex for me to be responsible for transmitting. A late night conversation with two of my mentors completely changed my perspective. I was made aware that this is in fact why God has blessed me with a platform and following. It’s my calling and endowment to confidently speak out on those issues that affect our community – in which the majority of others wish to sweep under the rug or gossip about in private – because they lack the confidence to speak boldly or possess an overwhelming fear of being labeled “messy.”  If being labeled messy is the price I have to pay to possibly save someone else from ending up with the same tragic results, well how beautiful and profound is that….

I’m not going to itemize those gentlemen dirty laundry, because we all have “dirty drawls” hidden somewhere and that’s just not my style this quarter. What I will say, is that this situation has taught me in 2016 our community has a complete disregard for the fundamental concepts and parameters of a relationship. Many couples litter social media with images of what appears to be the perfect example of couple status which we should all strive to achieve, yet behind closed doors it’s a cesspool of debauchery. An overwhelming percentage of modern day relationships no longer operate on the principles of two people, coming together, to love, honor, respect and commit to each other. The new equation for a relationship in our community tends to be one party, (Person A), that’s for the most part socio-economically stable and mentally more mature but at the same time, lonely and harbors a fear of not only being alone, but coming to terms with past mistakes and disappointments. This person will put up with almost anything; even change the definition of a relationship, just to experience some form of companionship and say he’s involved. The next party, (Person B), tends to be financially challenged, almost drowning in poverty. He needs assistance with necessities like food, shelter and clothing. Although Person-A is a willing support system for these necessities, Person-B has not grown out of the overly sexualized phase whereas he can bypass the temptations of this lifestyle and honor his relationship with commitment. Person-B still wants to “taste” everything that swims by in this sea. Often, while Person-A is at work or involved in some other endeavor to maintain the household, Person-B is occupied in the sauna’s of the gym, the basement bathrooms of Macy’s on State ST., on Jack’d or even in cars under the Green Line “tasting” the random delights that his well sculpted body, cute face and well endowed penis or ass has allured……

These two exponents combined, tend to produce the most volatile and toxic equation because as we have all witnessed, the by-products of this environment is arguing, hurt feelings, scandals, STD transmission, verbal abuse, property damage, domestic violence -and at times- actions that inflict long term damage to both parties that can never be erased or remedied. In some cases, tempers flare up and because we are emotional beings, we react! And in an instant you are now involved in something that will forever change the trajectory of your life, IF indeed you still have your life!
I don’t know what your take away from this scandal will be. But as one of my peers so eloquently stated, “my lesson-learned is to respect my relationships both interpersonal and work. Because you never know where someone is in their day or mental state.” Personally, I am challenging myself to become more cognizant of my behavior and actions towards those I am intimate with. Because it’s all fun & games when you’re in the midst of “getting your life,” but it’s too late to say oops, when you’re laying in the morgue or in a cold jail cell. To my followers, I would never attempt to persuade you not to enjoy the indulgences of our lifestyle. I would also never attempt to argue against relationships. In fact we should all strive to meet our God given partners. But in your quest, I challenge you to become more aware of what you’re getting into and expected to give up when jumping into a relationship. The vetting process for your potential mate should be the same as applying for an Ivy League university. After all, this is the person whom is expected to carry your banner both publicly and privately. Understand, it’s o.k to be alone! And most importantly, you cannot play with people emotions and feelings. Above all, when things begin to consistently snowball in a negative direction and you realize you are on two different paths, GET OUT!!!!!! I understand all relationships will have problems and hard times; but some of these “issues” we as the public have been exposed to from couples as of late is just deplorable and pathetic. As a couple, you should be conquering the world together. Not taxing yourself to put up facades on social media, while behind closed doors fighting because the cashier at the store you just visited openly gagged to discover you were indeed in a relationship, yet he just witnessed you being “occupied” in the gym sauna for over four hours days ago!

My prayers and sympathy is with both families as they prepare to go through a most challenging time. But instead of gossiping and casting stones, let’s all take this as a lesson learned and challenge ourselves to make the necessary changes in our lives so we too won’t end up just another number with a tragic end…..
Respectfully….Deo